Archive for Life
Healthy Relationship Boundaries – what are they and how can they help? [Adult – child/teen]
Do you ever watch television and see children yelling at their parents? Or in the shops, children or teenagers disrespecting others? How did this happen? Unfortunately for many of our younger generations they have never seen people being respected such as I did when I was a young girl. In those days you would rarely ever have seen a child or teenager backchat a parent or teacher, and if you did there were consequences – such as the cane at school or a smack or wooden spoon at home or even at the shop. *
Unfortunately as a teacher who first began teaching in schools twenty years ago then came back into the traditional classroom many years later – the changes were like stepping into another world. In Australia and the UK and I imagine at least most of the Western world, it is expected that students will rebel and even our television soaps teach our kids stereotypes of rebelling, experimentation, and underage and premarital sexual relations as the norm. I myself only learned that these were only one option, and not the norm as I had seen in my high school and on evening soaps, in my twenties.
It is not all doom and gloom though, there are many youth who are also stepping up and not accepting the behavior of their peers and who are determined to show the world how passionate and impacting they are thus balancing the sometimes general perception in the west of youth as disrespectful and ungrateful.
Even as recent as a year ago I was teaching in a faith school and the students sometimes would salute me, as a disciplinarian. I definitely don’t see my style as disciplinarian however sometimes when starting off at a new school and even with a new class, the teacher can add benefits by really setting the standards high – in terms of classroom behavior, classwork and homework policies. This did pay dividends for me and my students and even the teacher assistants loved my class as real learning was taking place in an inclusive and supportive atmosphere.
So how have I set these standards as a teacher? Often I have workshopped the rules and expectations with the students first and they always end up with the two ‘R’s – Respect and Responsibility. That is respect and responsibility for yourselves, for your and others’ property and also for the group. Many people don’t seem to include the latter but if students understand teamwork and how one student can ruin it for the remainder, the atmosphere is better all around and a valuable lifelong lesson learned. In a primary school setting, an example would be where a few students playing up thus slowing down the lesson and allowing no time for the whole class to play an outside game (usually the class favourite pastime). Earlier this year I had a few girls in a state primary school class repeatedly disrupting the class. I spoke to each individually and explained how their behavior had affected the remainder of the class and for them to think about how the class had been looking forward to outside activity. They had an option to apologise to the class for letting them down and have the class decide if they would accept the apology as sincere and decide a fitting consequence. Each student chose this option and the impact was dramatic. The class accepted all bar one of the apologies (not always the first time!) and of course said that the student had suffered enough with the disappointment and in-class isolation during lesson from their peers.
If either as a parent or teacher, you choose to go down this road I suggest you look up some strategies and even some theories such as the theory of bumps, behavior management and classroom strategies. Many parents recommend the PPP parenting principles which can make a huge difference if one is consistent and yet combines this with some flexibility.
From another perspective, it is also written that if we teach our children the right ways they will not easily deviate from the path. One amazing mentor of mine these days is a woman called Dani Johnson. She has an amazing story and realized that what she thought were her own developed, logical steps to success in every area of your life were actually based on those Biblical principles she had learned as a teen. Basic principles for life such as honesty, respect, trustworthiness, and doing your best. Definitely not rocket science and yet so many of us choose to do what is right in our own eyes no matter the affect on others and then wonder later, “What went wrong?”
If you are interested in resources, please email me as I have many recommendations. One book series I highly recommend is that written by Warren Chapman, entitled ‘The Five Love Languages’. The series has these books for relationships, children, teens, even singles and also includes work books. The strategies suggested here are very different than those traditionally advocated in more mainstream child/teen relationship books especially for parents and educators. Yet I have had much success with them especially when more traditional methods have not worked.
Finally I strongly believe that if you can love your children enough to discipline them, they will benefit for the rest of their lives.
* I am not advocating violence however from experience if alternate strategies are not working, a good old fashioned smack for effect (not hard) can do wonders!
Restoring Broken Relationships – Is It Possible?
Do you really want to ‘make up’ with him even though he drives you crazy?
Restoring broken relationships is almost impossible. For me it involves unconditional love, giving up our own expectations for that relationship, forgiveness in abundance, humility especially accepting my own role in the breakdown of the relationship. Mostly, how do I do that – I am just me. No matter how much I want something, it doesn’t mean it would happen. So finally in my thirties I gave up trying to do everything myself (or so I reasoned at the time even though I have always had varying levels of different kinds of support from family and friends throughout my life). I gave up and said “I can’t do this anymore” “If you are real God, reveal yourself to me.” “Jesus if you are real, help me.” That night on my knees in my trendy apartment in groovy Subiaco, was one of the major turning points in my life. Not saying it has been easy. My first task was to go to East Timor which included a state of emergency… but that is a whole other story….
So with God’s amazing grace in my life I am now able to restore those relationships where there has been so much hurt. Saying that it is never easy and of course it does require the other person to also want to reconcile – although not so much on their part I have noticed. Thank God for that. Two examples are with two of my closest girlfriends. Both of these women have been so close to me and so important. I was accepted as part of their families then I wasn’t. I felt they had totally rejected me. However even today I am not sure what actually happened with either perhaps we had become too close and overstepped boundaries – yes, I do know that in both cases that was true. I also think that when we are going through our own trials that when those closest to you are also under depression that it is only possible to cope with so much. Sometimes we do need to be spend time healing before reaching out to help others. I just am so thankful today that both of those relationships, although we are not as close as before, are restored with healthier boundaries in place.
So how do we restore broken relationships (again much of this is based on the two day conference of Living Waters that I attended in Bali, Indonesia).
i) Listen to other person – ie really listen without interrupting
ii) Learn about
- the other person eg if they are addicted to alcohol – learn more about where they are at – read books, talk to those who have been able to stay dry
- yourself – when you feel yourself getting very emotional – observe why – what emotional buttons are being pushed for you to react that way
iii) honesty and confession – if you are only partly honest and continue to hide other things – the poison within will only spread eg if you find yourself thinking about sex with other partners outside your marriage, then progress to pornography – by confessing to your spouse and working on it together, you can lessen the likelihood of you later having sex with others
iv) forgive – both the other person (which sometimes can be the hardest part and in my own experience is only possible with God’s supernatural grace and mercy) and forgive yourself
v) patience – anything worth having is worth waiting for
vi) commitment – you might have said “I do.” Or “I will.” On your wedding day but we all know that it is usually easier to walk away from relationships than stay in them. However with divine assistance I truly know that even the deepest hurts can be healed. Although this may not always be in the form that we want. For example, someone may want to reconcile in marriage after separation only to find that they are now friends and never to be reunited as marriage partners again.
