Archive for Life
Do You Have These Expectations When You Go Out Or Date Someone and Then Wonder Why You Are Disappointed?
Dating is a very Western concept. Many cultures do not do the dating thing. Often in these cultures the marriages are arranged and often they work very well – the couple grow to love each other and have similar goals for life and the future.
However, for those of us in countries like America, Ireland and Australia, dating is the accepted and expected path to meeting your marriage partner or just to meet someone, usually of the opposite sex!
So whether it be dating or even just going to the pub on a Friday or Saturday night, what is your motivation?
• To pick up
• A one night stand
• Get drunk
• Have a ‘good time’
• Innocent fun
• Relax
• Unwind
• Catch up with friends
• Meet ‘the one’
• Bump into a guy/girl you like
• Exercise by dancing
• Listen to music
• See your favourite band
• Check out a new club
• See who else is out
• Create an opportunity to chat with a close friend who seems to be going through a tough time
• Spend some time away from your other half
• Spend some time with ‘the girls’ or ‘the boys’
• Get to know your prospective brother-in-law better
• Be busy, surrounded by people, drinking too much to dwell on the pain of the breakdown of your relationship with the person you thought was the love of your life
The list of reasons for dating is endless!
However keep reading if you want the second list that is hopeful and will lead to a better life.
Usually there will be multiple reasons for dating and they will vary according to your mood, age, circumstances, marital status, or phase you are going through.
Then depending on your expectations, you have either had a ‘good’ night or not, or even at the time you had a ball but then the next day you had a hang -over or ‘he didn’t call’ or you slept with him or her then felt totally hollow inside and regretted it.
These expectations can lead to ongoing addictive behaviours or depression… or something uplifting and wonderful.
According to Gary Chapman, author of the best-selling series ‘The Five Love Languages’, dating is cultural specific and he lists some reasons why people date. Thankfully he is a God loving man and so his list is uplifting and inspiring! [This list is based on his from his book ‘The Five Love Languages for Singles’.]
• To develop wholesome interactions with someone (ie not as a sexual object but as a person)
• Learn about the other person – their personality, their attitudes and values
• Discover more about yourself – not only in the way we relate to people in purely platonic or professional relationships but also romantically (and also our own positive and negative character traits)
• Practice putting others first – for example if you have not already established good rapport with people and you want one, you will need to do some things that they like (even if you don’t) or they just won’t be there!
• Listen to others – active listening is one of the most effective communication skills
• ‘checking out’ the other person to see if they would make a good lifelong mate or you learn what is essential and what is desirable in one
When we have a crush on someone or are attracted to them, we often have little choice in the matter – ignore it, take steps to release the emotion especially if it is inappropriate such as if one partner is already married, or embrace it and ‘fall in love’.
However as Gary Chapman explains when the stage of the ‘tingles’ begins to dwindle also known as falling out of love, is there enough of a foundation based on mutual respect to warrant the effort to reignite the spark or is it time to move on?
The good news is with his techniques outlined in his book series, it is possible to reignite the passion in your relationship.
For further recommendations on this topic please email me at cathy@cathyelliss.com
Thanks and wishing you the best if you are single and want to move onward and upward!
Don’t give up
It is so much easier to give up…
and yet to succeed in life we need to push on through the day to day and especially through the hard times.
Here is Nick Vujicic in a very short video as part of his Life Without Limbs outreach program speaking in a high school impacting youth.
If you want to see more – check out my ‘I am Happy’ post under the ‘Life’ category from last year. That one is definitely sure to release some emotions and inspire you today!
Healthy Relationship Boundaries – what are they and how can they help? [Adult – child/teen]
Do you ever watch television and see children yelling at their parents? Or in the shops, children or teenagers disrespecting others? How did this happen? Unfortunately for many of our younger generations they have never seen people being respected such as I did when I was a young girl. In those days you would rarely ever have seen a child or teenager backchat a parent or teacher, and if you did there were consequences – such as the cane at school or a smack or wooden spoon at home or even at the shop. *
Unfortunately as a teacher who first began teaching in schools twenty years ago then came back into the traditional classroom many years later – the changes were like stepping into another world. In Australia and the UK and I imagine at least most of the Western world, it is expected that students will rebel and even our television soaps teach our kids stereotypes of rebelling, experimentation, and underage and premarital sexual relations as the norm. I myself only learned that these were only one option, and not the norm as I had seen in my high school and on evening soaps, in my twenties.
It is not all doom and gloom though, there are many youth who are also stepping up and not accepting the behavior of their peers and who are determined to show the world how passionate and impacting they are thus balancing the sometimes general perception in the west of youth as disrespectful and ungrateful.
Even as recent as a year ago I was teaching in a faith school and the students sometimes would salute me, as a disciplinarian. I definitely don’t see my style as disciplinarian however sometimes when starting off at a new school and even with a new class, the teacher can add benefits by really setting the standards high – in terms of classroom behavior, classwork and homework policies. This did pay dividends for me and my students and even the teacher assistants loved my class as real learning was taking place in an inclusive and supportive atmosphere.
So how have I set these standards as a teacher? Often I have workshopped the rules and expectations with the students first and they always end up with the two ‘R’s – Respect and Responsibility. That is respect and responsibility for yourselves, for your and others’ property and also for the group. Many people don’t seem to include the latter but if students understand teamwork and how one student can ruin it for the remainder, the atmosphere is better all around and a valuable lifelong lesson learned. In a primary school setting, an example would be where a few students playing up thus slowing down the lesson and allowing no time for the whole class to play an outside game (usually the class favourite pastime). Earlier this year I had a few girls in a state primary school class repeatedly disrupting the class. I spoke to each individually and explained how their behavior had affected the remainder of the class and for them to think about how the class had been looking forward to outside activity. They had an option to apologise to the class for letting them down and have the class decide if they would accept the apology as sincere and decide a fitting consequence. Each student chose this option and the impact was dramatic. The class accepted all bar one of the apologies (not always the first time!) and of course said that the student had suffered enough with the disappointment and in-class isolation during lesson from their peers.
If either as a parent or teacher, you choose to go down this road I suggest you look up some strategies and even some theories such as the theory of bumps, behavior management and classroom strategies. Many parents recommend the PPP parenting principles which can make a huge difference if one is consistent and yet combines this with some flexibility.
From another perspective, it is also written that if we teach our children the right ways they will not easily deviate from the path. One amazing mentor of mine these days is a woman called Dani Johnson. She has an amazing story and realized that what she thought were her own developed, logical steps to success in every area of your life were actually based on those Biblical principles she had learned as a teen. Basic principles for life such as honesty, respect, trustworthiness, and doing your best. Definitely not rocket science and yet so many of us choose to do what is right in our own eyes no matter the affect on others and then wonder later, “What went wrong?”
If you are interested in resources, please email me as I have many recommendations. One book series I highly recommend is that written by Warren Chapman, entitled ‘The Five Love Languages’. The series has these books for relationships, children, teens, even singles and also includes work books. The strategies suggested here are very different than those traditionally advocated in more mainstream child/teen relationship books especially for parents and educators. Yet I have had much success with them especially when more traditional methods have not worked.
Finally I strongly believe that if you can love your children enough to discipline them, they will benefit for the rest of their lives.
* I am not advocating violence however from experience if alternate strategies are not working, a good old fashioned smack for effect (not hard) can do wonders!
